Who’s Cheating Who?

Approximately 1.5 million websites and over 1000 books are dedicated to the subject of cheating. Their focus is on proving the infidelity, catching the scoundrel in the act and dealing with the pain and shame of being a victim. A close analysis however, provokes uncertainty with regards to where our compassion and sympathies should lie and leaves us to question who the victim really is. Seeking to untangle the complexities and get to the truth merely provokes a host of questions with many complicated answers. It gives cause to reflect and consider the stunning realities.

Cheating is not as simple as one individual in a relationship behaving badly and the other being wronged. It is a multi-faceted, complex reaction stemming from many different places within the human psyche and involves two people making well-informed decisions and choices . It relates to compatibility, needs and the realities of human nature. The dictionary defines it as being sexually unfaithful, but adds that it can involve depriving someone of something valuable, falling short in satisfying the expectations and hopes of another and to influence by deceit or trickery. If any one of those descriptors represents the cause for cheating, then who cheats who and who is the victim? Is it actually cheating or an instinctive human response to being cheated out of our needs?

In the beginning, couples tend to ignore any negatives, which might later become an issue in the relationship. Caught up in the euphoria of new love, men aren’t always clear about their sexual needs and women don’t admit that when the intoxication wears off, so do their sexual desires. But then cheating is not always about sex; it involves growth issues and non-sexual needs that weren’t made clear in the pre-commitment conversations. Would that lack of attention to detail constitute deceit and trickery or do couples simply not recognize the serious nature and responsibilities of their commitment? Do they fall into the trap of complacency or end up on different paths by committing in haste while under the influence of lust? The deeper we dig into cause and effect, the more questions are raised. The answers are obvious if we hold an honest vision of the facts.

Relationships involve two people; the two must accept responsibility for their individual contribution to its success or failure. Both parties come with their own agenda anddestructive powers. Women come with their set of issues and pre-programming and men with theirs. Women often want men to conform to a new set of rules, change expectations in mid-stream or offer men little incentive to come home. Men become complacent, lose direction and focus or allow outside influences to interfere with their responsibilities. In either scenario, addressing mutual needs is lost to individual priorities. In the end, both suffer losses and pain. The patterns present a sad commentary to the basic concepts of human relationships.

Both sexual and non-sexual needs are at issue, and both hold equal value on the list of priorities. Having those needs met is basic to all the laws of human nature. The natural response to a lack of fulfillment is to seek resolve in whatever venue holds the offering. The rules of commitment and marriage do not specifically state thatone partner is expected to serve a self-sacrificing role to maintain the relationship. Yet those who see themselves as victims cry foul when confronted with their own lack of consciousness in regards to their partner. Do we actually cheat ourselves by making bad choices and decisions?

Cheating is about being cheated. In reality both parties are victims. Both hold the power to create success or create a path alone. How each partner chooses to respond to his or her individual responsibilities determines the outcome.

The Female Persuasion

Yes ladies, we all wear our “female” at times, play the games, manipulate through feminine wiles and pretend to be something we’re not. We do this primarily as a direct result of pre-programming, environmental role modeling and because, lets face it, it does get us what we want. If we consider this course in the grand scheme of things however, it usually serves to provide a short-lived fix which eventually comes back to haunt us. Is the female persona a gift, a curse or simply an abuse of power?

We size up men for their potential and then attempt to train and transform them into our ideal image. We pretend to be offended by their masculine presentations and open assertions regarding sex. We turn on the charm and the tears at will and are determined to make the men in our lives responsible for our life experiences and happiness. We hold the power of sex and wield it to trap them and at a moment that suits us, transform it into a tool of punishment and torture for any lack of patronization. Are those mixed messages and abuses of power conducive to the success and happiness we seek?

Each time we choose a man it is based on our visions, our needs, our hopes and dreams and by our standards and design. If things don’t go according to our plan we blame him for our own bad choices. One of the biggest complaints from men is that innate need women have to change them, to mold and shape them to the female design. Men are what they are, and most like it that way. If women did not hold the power of sex men wouldn’t dare agree to conform. However, forcing that reform usually means failed relationships or breeds discontented men who cheat. Are we really better off having an unhappy man rather than no man at all?

Any woman who has spent time out with the girls can attest to our conversations regarding sex. Most often they are more open and raw than those hosted by men. Yet when a man dares to speak of such things in our presence, we behave as if we have been grossly offended and demoralized. Women love sex until they get into a relationship or marry and then sex becomes something ugly. Our lust and sensuality are replaced with age-old designs, complacency and female power. We use that power as both punishment and reward leaving men confused and frustrated with the inconsistencies.

Men carry the visions of their relationships and home life to the workplace where they are exposed to the temptations of finely decorated women who areplaying the same games and using those same feminine wiles to gain attention as we did when our designs were new. Men then go home to a whiny woman in sweats or to the woman who is absorbed in her own workplace issues and has no desire to share loving intimacy with him. If our goal is to make them happy we are definitely going about it in the wrong way.

It is not difficult to understand why they cheat or want out of the relationship. Women smugly maintain their power and refuse to conform. The men are expected to make the changes and sacrifices needed to keep the relationship in tact. If men cheat it is blamed on their bad character rather than the world their women have created for them. There is little attention paid to their needs as men, yet we cry foul when the relationship has failed.

Being feminine is admirable and promotes positive reactions and responses. Being female is ugly business and provokes the negative images that have been passed down through the ages. Men should be accepted as men and not created in the female design. For when the spell of the female persuasion has been broken by frustration, there is no magic formula to reincarnate its power and influence. Successful relationships demand that we accept our men as men and wear our femininity with pride. Our female is best left in a shallow, unmarked grave in the back yard.