Speaking of Sex….

Why do we find it so difficult to talk about sex, or openly express our sexual needs and desires? What are we afraid will happen if we do?

Most of us are taught that sex is a taboo subject, which is not discussed openly in the name of decency. Nice girls don’t and gentlemen mind their manners out of respect. Are we to assume then that gentlemen and nice girls just always do it right? Following this logic of assumption suggests that being prim and proper equates to good sex and would leave communication as an obsolete necessity.

For the majority of us it is the fear of reprisals and judgments, which provokes our silence. We’re afraid that if our secrets were revealed in truth, we would be ostracized for our wicked thoughts and evil lust. We are pre programmed to suffer embarrassment and shame with regards to our sexual needs and desires. If the gift of sex is meant to come with so many limits and restrictions one is left to question who created the rules and by what reasoning and logic they were set in place.

There are those of us who fear ourselves more than we fear what others might think. We are afraid of what might be hidden in our secret garden of sexual desire and are a little more than apprehensive with regards to facing our own sexual realities. If we don’t talk about it, it can’t exist. We assume that if we ignore it, it will go away. What we fail to realize is how deeply these hidden truths are embedded in our psyche and how seriously they impact our everyday lives. Unwittingly they ultimately determine the paths we take.

The fact is that sex is not evil or perverse and poses no harm. It is, however, the part of our inner being we deny, the self we repress. It is our essence, a natural piece of our intricate puzzle. Sex is a natural force of nature and was not intended to be ignored, hidden away or treated as an evil plague, a sin worthy of burning at the stake. We should be taking full advantage of this great gift we were given. Instead we tend to promote and nurture our unavowed dreams and forbidden truths by confining their life to the dark recesses of our unconscious mind.

Even if we dare not speak of this mystical, magical world of secret fantasies and yearnings, it lives non-the-less and strives to break through the walls we’ve constructed to hide its presence. Our sexual seeds are carefully planted there and whether we tend them or not, the blossoms grow. Left unattended, it creates restlessness and voids which we can never seem to fill. Our inhibitions and fears merely serve to create a cycle of unfulfilling and discontented relationships.

Like it or not, our secret garden exists. There is no shame in recognizing its existence or accepting its realities. Good sex does not come with the disposition of our personality and character traits. It is created and honed by the sharing of our inner selves and openly addressing our needs. Crystal balls can offer no solution and assuming is a dangerous practice.

It isn’t likely we will we find a partner who is capable of reading minds and will instinctively know of our needs and desires. It requires that we say it out loud, express it in a form, which others can understand. Communication still is and always will be vital to the success of any relationship and sexual experience. If we are fortunate enough to find someone to share our secrets with, we are able to tear down the walls and let the sun shine on our garden of blossoms, allowing them to grow freely. Greatness is achieved by providing an environment for greatness to grow!

Friend With Benefits—The New Age Relationship

The fashionable and in-demand model of relationships is now the ‘Friend with benefits’.

What could be more natural than sharing intimacy with a friend? It actually seems quite appropriate to entrust that position to a friend and confidant who knows you better than you and loves you ‘even though’. For thousands of singles, this new age relationship design can, and does present as a cure-all for numerous age-old dating woes, while taking friendship to a new dimension. It is not a new concept, however, today’s singles are merely more open and receptive to the many positives it has to offer and the freedom it allows. But is it truly sharing or does it constitute abusing the privileges of a friendship?

The skeptics paint a picture of booty calls, bed buddies and degradation. They view it as a clear violation of the rights and privileges of friendship. Some see it as impossible to accomplish given the processes of human nature and the emotional issues relative to intimacy. However, for the growing number of participants, it presents as an extension of friendship and a refreshing manner of bonding. It is viewed as a positive alternative to the traditional standards of love, dating and relationships. It allows for our most basic of human needs to be met safely while providing a sense of belonging and normalcy in a not so ‘normal’ society and lifestyle.

For many it means the elimination of the dreaded ‘one night stand’. Needs are satisfied by reaching out to the warmth and security of friendship rather than settling for the emptiness felt in a dating encounter. It replaces the loneliness felt in self-pleasuring with the therapeutic benefits of another’s touch. It fills a need for the ‘no strings attached’ sexual relationship and is a practical alternative to the risks of sex with multiple partners. It provides a trusting atmosphere, which promotes a continual exchange of the positive sexual energies necessary for satisfying and fulfilling experiences.

Aside from the many sexual advantages, other factors make this relationship a practical and preferable choice. It addresses issues of safety and the health risks that plague our society. It alleviates being trapped in the cycles created by many of the dating pitfalls. It offers an environment conducive to less restrictive and inhibitive communication where discussions of sex and other normal life experiences are not taboo. As a result, it provides a comfortable atmosphere for the exploration and experimentation of new ideas and designs.

Each couple sets the tone and clearly defines their rules, limits and boundaries. The idea is to provide a complete understanding of the expectations so that there is little risk of misunderstanding or hurt feelings. The relationships are as unique as the individuals involved. For some there is no need for formal agreements or arrangements. They simply do what feels natural for them and is mutually satisfying. Others find it important to design a well thought out plan of action. In the final analysis, it works, and no matter how they choose to deal with the terms of their relationship, it is a satisfying, fulfilling and rewarding experience.

As with any relationship, it does not come without flaws or obstacles. There are many positive emotional benefits but it does require mental preparation and maintaining the proper mindset. It is imperative to stay focused and be mindful of the traps. This aspect can present an ongoing challenge but the positive benefits overshadow any negatives. The ‘friend with benefits’ relationship is far from the traditional ideals and standards, however, it has proven to bring great rewards and is a fabulous asset in today’s complex and chaotic world.