Listening is power. Many people believe that it is the speaker who holds power and control, when in fact it is the listener who is empowered. While talking, we are involved in self and our own concepts and images, which limits our vision and scope of learning. The listener gains insight, important information and valuable clues as the one talking provokes new thoughts and ideas. Being the listener offers knowledge and knowledge is power.
As we listen with intent to the speaker’s words, our minds are drawn to key words and phrases that grab our attention and provoke curiosity. Asking questions not only helps to clarify and sort out the details but shows a sign of interest. By asking questions, the listener also has the ability to control the conversation by directing or redirecting it’s path.
Listening with intent is the difference between being a ‘good listener’ and merely listening. Paying close attention to the words being spoken as well as to the unspoken words, increases our capability to comprehend and focus. Showing interest and concern by asking questions for clarity and insight lends credibility to both the listener and the speaker. Some vital questions to consider, which help sort and clarify the information being given would include:
“What does this person really want me to discern from this conversation?”
“What is it he is asking of me personally?”
“What is the ‘real’ issue?”
Note that ‘issues’ are most often concerns, fears and/or needs that have not been addressed or met. By definition, that gives them an escalated level of importance. Our concentration becomes vital and is required for the understanding and sorting processes. Listening through our own thoughts rather than paying attention to the thoughts of the one speaking, determines the success of the communication.
All too often we listen with blockers in place which detracts from our ability to be a good listener and hear what is really being said. Those blockers are walls that make it difficult for words and intent to penetrate. Some people listen from a place of judgement and immediately strike out words due to prejudice or fear. Others put on defensive armor so that the words will not break through to a softer, more vulnerable covering that lies beneath. Once the listener feels the words might permeate the defense mechanisms, there is a reactionary emergency response which is normally non productive and offers negative affects.
Since we all perceive life differently, blockers are often found in the interpretation process. We might have a different definition of the words being spoken than does the one who is speaking. It is that difference in perception which allows for walls to be constructed, creating a breach in the flow of communication. A good listener does so with an open, clear mind and from a place of neutrality. This helps in creating clarity and positive end results.
A receptive listening ‘attitude’ helps promote favorable communication. Our body language, without the spoken word, can set a negative or positive tone. People who are talking have something to say. To them, that something is important. Listening in that fashion is conducive to a positive and productive outcome.
Listening carries a commitment that equates to a code of ethics. Being a good listener holds responsibility as well as power. As listeners, we are partially liable for the outcome of all our communications and are held accountable for our conduct. Following a few simple procedures as a listener can make the difference in our communication success.
Listening Code of Ethics
1- Listen with intent and curiosity
2- Listen from a neutral place
3- Be supportive and understanding
4- Ask questions for clarity
5- Relay to the speaker that he is being heard and his concerns, fears and needs are valid
6- Never close doors or avenues of compromise
