How To Talk So People Will Listen

Presentation is the most critical aspect of communication. How we say what we say is the key to positive, productive and successful results. Our words should create interest, encourage enthusiasm, stimulate or motivate. They should promote a call to action rather than provoke a reaction. Carefully choosing the words that best express our thoughts, steering clear of words which might offend cultural or environmental sensitivities and avoiding confrontational language and tone, will offer a positive flow and outcome.

Selecting a suitable format can help alleviate unpleasant consequences and avoid activating defense mechanisms. Choosing the most appropriate and effective method is not always an easy task, but can make the difference in how our concepts are received and processed. These skills are often a major factor in our business associations and in our quest to reach the top of the corporate ladder. Simple modifications can bring considerable changes in atmosphere. Using I in place of You when beginning a conversation personalizes the issue for you rather than the listener. It is always a good idea to avoid the need for the listener to don defensive shields, build barriers and walls or adorn protective armor.

We all have a past which affects our present. The obvious solution is to deal with those issues and correct any negative affects. The reality is that we must learn to communicate in a positive and effective manner until they are resolved. Unfortunately, many of our feelings and reactions come from our previous experiences and have no direct bearing on the present matter. Because we still carry old tapes on file, it opens the door for leftover negative feelings and the reactions that accompanied them to affect our current responses. Keeping our conversations in the present and relevant will encourage successful communication.

I highly recommend reading “Wishcraft” by Barbara Sher and “You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think”by Layne Cutright and Paul Cutright. These materials may be helpful in providing a greater understanding of this aspect of communication and how it affects our interpersonal relationship and career success.

Subtle is well received in any arena. A whisper holds a greater vantage than does an unrestrained call for attention. We are more apt to solicit a positive response by proposing a request than making a complaint. Complaints state a negative and are more likely to provoke a negative reaction. Requests seek to improve or gain positives and are therefore more inclined to be met with positive acknowledgment.

Being a conscientious speaker is important to successful communication in every aspect of life. We have all experienced the frustration of being interrupted while trying to convey our thoughts. Monopolizing the conversation does not afford us power or control. That type of demonstrative demand for attention merely serves to present a poor image and discourage a desire for further communication. Conversations are meant to be a dialogue rather than a monologue.

There is no cure for the common word. Our communication skills make our all important, first impressions and have a lasting impact. What we say and how we say it is representative of who we are as our character, qualities and flaws display themselves. Words are commanding tools and can become powerful weapons. They cannot be retracted or erased, and if used inappropriately can damage the speakers credibility or wound and scar a listener.

Our ability to communicate well is our greatest asset. Used wisely and appropriately, it is the key to success in any venue. A lack of regard or misuse can create a gross liability. It is to our benefit to keep those skills fine tuned and functioning well so that we do not leave behind a loss of respect and trust. Recovery from such a loss is often a difficult and overwhelming feat.

www.tcrassociates.net

Being The Listener

Listening is power. Many people believe that it is the speaker who holds power and control, when in fact it is the listener who is empowered. While talking, we are involved in self and our own concepts and images, which limits our vision and scope of learning. The listener gains insight, important information and valuable clues as the one talking provokes new thoughts and ideas. Being the listener offers knowledge and knowledge is power.

As we listen with intent to the speaker’s words, our minds are drawn to key words and phrases that grab our attention and provoke curiosity. Asking questions not only helps to clarify and sort out the details but shows a sign of interest. By asking questions, the listener also has the ability to control the conversation by directing or redirecting it’s path.

Listening with intent is the difference between being a ‘good listener’ and merely listening. Paying close attention to the words being spoken as well as to the unspoken words, increases our capability to comprehend and focus. Showing interest and concern by asking questions for clarity and insight lends credibility to both the listener and the speaker. Some vital questions to consider, which help sort and clarify the information being given would include:
“What does this person really want me to discern from this conversation?”
“What is it he is asking of me personally?”
“What is the ‘real’ issue?”

Note that ‘issues’ are most often concerns, fears and/or needs that have not been addressed or met. By definition, that gives them an escalated level of importance. Our concentration becomes vital and is required for the understanding and sorting processes. Listening through our own thoughts rather than paying attention to the thoughts of the one speaking, determines the success of the communication.

All too often we listen with blockers in place which detracts from our ability to be a good listener and hear what is really being said. Those blockers are walls that make it difficult for words and intent to penetrate. Some people listen from a place of judgement and immediately strike out words due to prejudice or fear. Others put on defensive armor so that the words will not break through to a softer, more vulnerable covering that lies beneath. Once the listener feels the words might permeate the defense mechanisms, there is a reactionary emergency response which is normally non productive and offers negative affects.

Since we all perceive life differently, blockers are often found in the interpretation process. We might have a different definition of the words being spoken than does the one who is speaking. It is that difference in perception which allows for walls to be constructed, creating a breach in the flow of communication. A good listener does so with an open, clear mind and from a place of neutrality. This helps in creating clarity and positive end results.

A receptive listening ‘attitude’ helps promote favorable communication. Our body language, without the spoken word, can set a negative or positive tone. People who are talking have something to say. To them, that something is important. Listening in that fashion is conducive to a positive and productive outcome.

Listening carries a commitment that equates to a code of ethics. Being a good listener holds responsibility as well as power. As listeners, we are partially liable for the outcome of all our communications and are held accountable for our conduct. Following a few simple procedures as a listener can make the difference in our communication success.

Listening Code of Ethics
1- Listen with intent and curiosity
2- Listen from a neutral place
3- Be supportive and understanding
4- Ask questions for clarity
5- Relay to the speaker that he is being heard and his concerns, fears and needs are valid
6- Never close doors or avenues of compromise

www.tcrassociates.net